The Cry for Dreams

This is the start of my life... and my biggest curse.

The Cry for Love

I cannot find it, from this reality...

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laupäev, 29. märts 2014

The cry for existence

I know i'm not alone on this one. I constantly think we are living in a ... i don't know. Something that's not actually real. I hate being limited, thus have only 1-2 rules.

And this is connected to "Cry for love" and to "Cry for dreams".

Time goes past, yet nothing seems to change. I feel like an immortal, who has been cursed to live forever to simply observe humanity. I hate it. I cannot bring myself to live like others. I cannot stay blind like others. Even if i try, i get a slap across my face.

Whoever will read this, i will tell you something about life and death. Of your consciousness in overall.
Ask yourself this: "What kills people?" What do you think? Alcohol, drugs and other various things? No. It's the loss of consciousness. You become less conscious of what, where, when and why. There's an easy test to see if you die soon. Can you remember your dreams? No? There you have it. In that case, you shall die fairly soon. Let me explain.
Dreams are an important factor of your life, no matter how you watch it. Dreams symbolize your awareness, the true YOU. Alcohol serves the same purpose. It can show you persons true self. If you can control your dreams, you can control your life and death, but it will be much more difficult if you are about to die. How?
Lemme answer this one with a question. "Have you ever had an OBE (out-of-body-experience)?" No, i'm guessing? Well, these are the things you will experience on one. Sleep paralysis -> Getting sucked into a state of pure darkness -> Unbearable ringing in "ears" (+fear) -> Silence -> Waking up in another place.

SP or sleep paralysis is actually a defense mechanism for when you dream. It's that you wouldn't do stupid things while thinking you are somewhere else. Normally, this state can be easily broken.
After you get this weird feeling (your mind goes really clear), you start to get sucked into this state. When you are, it's nearly impossible to move your body. I've tested several times, and all i was capable was to rise my hand 20cm at most.
Once you enter this state completely, you can wake up normally, but if your will doesn't, you will be sucked back. I did it as a test to see what would happen if i would almost leave the state. I got sucked back. So remember, YOU MUST WANT TO COME BACK. Otherwise, it won't work.
After that, you shall experience complete clarity in your mind.
Then comes this ringing. It's similar to tinnitus, but with a small exception. The ringing is so loud that it feels like your head is about to blow up. Don't worry, it shall not. I and few others have tested this already. The things that you experience there, will have no effect on your physical body.
If you happen to somehow be able to bypass this, you will end up in some other location... that of course depending on where you want to be. Where your will wants to be. Also, remember that everything works the way it works in dreams. If you think of negative, it shall be so. If you think some monster will come to get you, it will. You have to control your fears and desires. You and ONLY YOU will have to make decisions. There are lots of entities that may want to deceive you, so think rationally.

Here's something else interesting. We were born by only remembering from certain age right? Right. But what if the bodies are only containers until then and when we die, we "wake up" suddenly, with no memory of who or what we are. What if dying is just moving into a new container with no memory due to the link to our bodies, being cut? We still do remember certain things, since those are etched to our souls.

I think that's enough thinking for you today.

reede, 24. jaanuar 2014

A fond dream of mine

"I am at a night club (i hate any rowdy place). There was this kid, alone. She didn't cry. Just stared at people dancing. I felt as she felt as being abandoned.
I was sitting on a couch, thinking how stupid that is... people just shaking their bodies for no apparent reason (since there are easier ways of self-expressing). Then that kid approaches me, sits on my lap, throws her arms around me and takes a nap. I kinda froze there, probably red from the face. Yet strangely, it felt really .... good. It felt as all my problems dissolved. It felt as she was resonating with me.
 This went on for quite the while... or maybe it just felt like that. Some time later, a former classmate comes and asks the girl something.... i couldn't hear over the chatter and music, but what i did hear was something that totally shocked me.

The guy asked:"Hey, you OK?" The girl replied:"Yes, but he (me) isn't.".

The girl was rather young, yet was capable of reading me like clear water. The guy went back to dancing and she continued napping."




Translated to Estonian:

Ma olen ööklubis (ma vihkan kohti kus on palju lärmi). Seal oli üks tüdruk (nais soost), üksi. Ta ei nutnud. Ta lihtsalt vaatas kuidas inimesed tantsivad. Mulle tundus, nagu teda hüljatakse.
Ma istusin diivanil, mõeldes, kui mõttetu see on... inimesed lihtsalt raputavad oma kehasi, mitte millegi pärast (on paremaid eneseväljendamis viise). Järsku, see tüdruk kõnnib minu poole, istub mu põlvedele, viskab käed ümber mu õlgade ja jääb magama. Ma jäätusin, arvatavasti punane näost, kuid imelikult, tundus see väga... hea. Tundus kui kõik mu probleemid sulasid... nagu ta resoneerus minuga.
Aeg möödus ... või tundus vähemalt nii. Natuke aega hiljem, tuli üks mu vanadest klassikaaslastest ja küsis tüdrukult midagi. Ma ei kuulnud üle inimeste juttu ega muusika, kuid mida ma kuulsin, shokeeris mind.

Mees küsis:"Kas kõik korras?", millele tüdruk vastas:"Jah, aga tema (mina), ei ole."

Tüdruk oli küllalt noor, kuid oskas näha minust läbi nagu puhas vesi. Mees läks tagasi tantsima ja tüdruk magama.

reede, 27. detsember 2013

The Cry for Dreams

The Cry for dreams and love are very closely intervened. if you have read "The Cry for Love", you'll know of my curse.

Dreams... dreams... dreams........dreams. They are wonderful things, are they not? You get to experience impossible things, even for a moment.

To me, dreams have been a bigger part of my life. Since my birth, i've experienced, what i now call "dark dreams". They were really traumatic.
You see, i was scared of darkness... to be precise, scared of what's IN the dark. I always knew, i am not alone. Not never. Someone was always watching me. Hence' I slept with blanket over my head. ALWAYS. The moment, i did not, instant "dark dream". What a "dark dream" is, is a dream so horrible that it makes you accept death. And oh, you couldn't wake up scared. Why? Because you were not allowed. Later days i realized that it was a training, still not sure for what.
Anyways, imagine this. You are scared to death. You barely cough up enough courage to throw the blanket away and make a run for your parents room, only to get said:"It was just a dream, go back to sleep". Not very comforting, is it? After countless night like this, i realized, they will not help. I finally realized what those dreams meant. "Accept death". It took me weeks to finally face it head-on. I accepted my death and guess what's funnier? Those dreams teached me more than just that, not only that, i actually befriended what i thought to be evil. That's right, i became friends with what i THOUGHT to be evil and harmful. I also learned basic control over dreams (entering and exiting, sensing, etc) and memorization of the dream world.

I finally understood another bit. I had always been falling into endless dark pit with low-pitched chants around me. I just now understood, that it meant "let go of the current world, let go of your body (fall) and enter the world of lucid dreams". It was an interesting feeling when i pulled off WILD (Wake-induced lucid dream).... in the weirdest place of all. At work.

The dreams had their down side. They numbened my feelings. Death served no big part to me anymore. I did feel a bit sad, but i knew, that it wasn't the end of it.

Through dreams, i have learned many things, and is probably, my biggest curse (look into "The Cry for Love").

But you know what? There's another part to it. The constant deja-vu, i experience. What i experience in dreams, will come in reality. My whole life is like a story. My every step is calculated. No matter what i do, i cannot seem to evade my fate. Bits of dreams from here and there at "random" point of time.

Well, that's my cry for dreams, in short.

The Cry for Love

(Takes a deep breath and sighs)... yes. Even i grieve for love. The problem is, that i may or may not, never have it. It's... complicated. I cannot find love in normal people. I love the people i meet in my dreams, and often feel like, i've somehow ended up in the wrong reality.

The people that i meet, are different. They barely use words to express themselves. Their raw emotion and intent gives the thought away. They never lie.

Here's one of the fondest dreams of mine.

(July  19, 2013)

[...]
The next thing i know, i am at a night club (i hate any rowdy place). There was this kid, alone. She didn't cry. Just stared at people dancing. I felt as she felt as being abandoned. I was sitting on a couch, thinking how stupid that is... people just shaking their bodies for no apparent reason (since there are easier ways of self-expressing). Then that kid approaches me, sits on my lap, throws her arms around me and takes a nap. I kinda froze there, probably totally red from the face. Yet strangely, it felt really .... good. It felt as all my problems dissolved. It was so relaxing. It nearly felt as she was resonating with me. This went on for quite the while... or maybe it just felt like that. Some time later, a former classmate comes and asks the girl something.... i couldn't hear over the chatter etc, but what i did hear was something that totally shocked me. The guy asked:"Hey, you OK?" The girl replied:"Yes, but he (me) isn't.". The girl was rather young, yet was capable of reading me like clear water. The guy went back to dancing and she continued napping.

I thank you, little girl. I truly do. I feel as someone was finally able to understand me entirely. You managed to put a smile on my face, just for a brief moment, but it was more than enough. I hope i meet you again or in this reality.

Just lately, i've got depressed again (it comes and goes, but when it hits, it really does feel like shit, like life's not worth living anymore). Then the only thing i can rely on, are my dreams.

Edit: Down i hit again. 21:11, 23.12.2013... feeling shit as hell again. I should mark these events down.
The only thing that seems to make it better is not talking to anyone and embrace it at it's fullest. Recall a dream, and gain happiness from it.
http://pkalar.blogspot.com/2013/07/dream-log-i-have-no-words-to-describe.html
Second part of the dream... it still warms my heart. I guess this block of ice still has some warmth to it.
Thank you, for once again, little girl.

People are worthless to talk to, since it only makes you worse. You just want to curl up in a ball and feel what you did in the dream.
But know what? The raw power of emotions and intent from that dream was able to make me feel better in just few minutes.

... My heart aches for that reality. It's quite difficult to live your life with this pain. Matter of fact, the thoughts of death and suicide always hit your mind. Over the years, you become cold towards everyone. The only thing that keeps you sane is an alternative source of it. To me, it's anime. I know... it sound ridiculous.

I cannot bring myself to love people in this reality. What they think as "love" is sex. That is just... wrong. It doesn't even deserve to be associated to it. You could say, what i search, is purity. The purest form of love. As simple as hugging each other, like from my dream. The full understanding of each other. That we wouldn't be heartbroken for just for some stupid sex. To find it from personality, from person's very core.


... Yet all of this is impossible, is it not? To physically go over to that reality? Yet i do not give up. Or am i just running away? No. The people that are there... i made a promise, and will not give it up.

This is my curse. Never to find love or happiness from this reality.