The Cry for Love

(Takes a deep breath and sighs)... yes. Even i grieve for love. The problem is, that i may or may not, never have it. It's... complicated. I cannot find love in normal people. I love the people i meet in my dreams, and often feel like, i've somehow ended up in the wrong reality.

The people that i meet, are different. They barely use words to express themselves. Their raw emotion and intent gives the thought away. They never lie.

Here's one of the fondest dreams of mine.

(July  19, 2013)

[...]
The next thing i know, i am at a night club (i hate any rowdy place). There was this kid, alone. She didn't cry. Just stared at people dancing. I felt as she felt as being abandoned. I was sitting on a couch, thinking how stupid that is... people just shaking their bodies for no apparent reason (since there are easier ways of self-expressing). Then that kid approaches me, sits on my lap, throws her arms around me and takes a nap. I kinda froze there, probably totally red from the face. Yet strangely, it felt really .... good. It felt as all my problems dissolved. It was so relaxing. It nearly felt as she was resonating with me. This went on for quite the while... or maybe it just felt like that. Some time later, a former classmate comes and asks the girl something.... i couldn't hear over the chatter etc, but what i did hear was something that totally shocked me. The guy asked:"Hey, you OK?" The girl replied:"Yes, but he (me) isn't.". The girl was rather young, yet was capable of reading me like clear water. The guy went back to dancing and she continued napping.

I thank you, little girl. I truly do. I feel as someone was finally able to understand me entirely. You managed to put a smile on my face, just for a brief moment, but it was more than enough. I hope i meet you again or in this reality.

Just lately, i've got depressed again (it comes and goes, but when it hits, it really does feel like shit, like life's not worth living anymore). Then the only thing i can rely on, are my dreams.

Edit: Down i hit again. 21:11, 23.12.2013... feeling shit as hell again. I should mark these events down.
The only thing that seems to make it better is not talking to anyone and embrace it at it's fullest. Recall a dream, and gain happiness from it.
http://pkalar.blogspot.com/2013/07/dream-log-i-have-no-words-to-describe.html

Second part of the dream... it still warms my heart. I guess this block of ice still has some warmth to it.
Thank you, for once again, little girl.

People are worthless to talk to, since it only makes you worse. You just want to curl up in a ball and feel what you did in the dream.
But know what? The raw power of emotions and intent from that dream was able to make me feel better in just few minutes.

... My heart aches for that reality. It's quite difficult to live your life with this pain. Matter of fact, the thoughts of death and suicide always hit your mind. Over the years, you become cold towards everyone. The only thing that keeps you sane is an alternative source of it. To me, it's anime. I know... it sound ridiculous.

I cannot bring myself to love people in this reality. What they think as "love" is sex. That is just... wrong. It doesn't even deserve to be associated to it. You could say, what i search, is purity. The purest form of love. As simple as hugging each other, like from my dream. The full understanding of each other. That we wouldn't be heartbroken for just for some stupid sex. To find it from personality, from person's very core.


... Yet all of this is impossible, is it not? To physically go over to that reality? Yet i do not give up. Or am i just running away? No. The people that are there... i made a promise, and will not give it up.

This is my curse. Never to find love or happiness from this reality.